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Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Kiffin Explained!

Much like many of you, I've spent a good bit of time over the past few weeks trying to figure out why new Tennessee coach Lane Kiffin would continue saying and doing so many completely stupid things. I mean, sure, he's young, but to have been an NFL head coach and now hold a job in the SEC... the guy has to have some smarts, right? It just didn't add up.

Then the other night, a friend of mine referenced a nearly 20-year-old "Saturday Night Live" sketch in casual conversation, and a theory began to take form.

Here's what I think may have happened...

One hundred thousand years ago a caveman was out hunting on the frozen wastes when he slipped and fell into a crevasse. In 2007, he was discovered by Al Davis and thawed out. He went to the Oakland Raiders and became...

Unfrozen Caveman Football Coach!!!

Of course, as a respected journalist, I couldn't just go around accusing Mr. Kiffin of being a caveman who was suddenly unfrozen and made head coach of an SEC football team. That would be irresponsible. So I contacted the University of Tennessee for a follow up, and here's the statement that Coach Kiffin released in response to my inquiry:

"Ladies and gentlemen of the media, I'm just a caveman. I fell in some ice and later got thawed out by some of your track suit-wearing NFL owners. Your modern football conference frightens and confuses me. Sometimes the constant chanting of that incessant "Rocky Top" song makes me want to get out of my cushy office and hand out another multimillion-dollar contract to an assistant coach. Sometimes when I receive a letter of intent on my fax machine I wonder, 'Did little demons get inside and violate recruiting rules to type these things?' I don't know. My primitive mind can't grasp these concepts. But there is one thing I do know... When a man like Marlon Brown decides to go to Georgia, then it is clearly due to cheating on the part of my fellow SEC coaches."

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury of public opinion, I don't think we need any time to deliberate... Kiffin's words ring as true today as they did in his time... Surely, he deserves our understanding and forgiveness.


NCT said...

Well done, sir.

Hunkering Hank said...